Passive Aggressive

A characteristic of myself that I honestly want to punch the lights out of.
All it does is bring me pain pain and more pain like a hermit breathing fresh air. (get it cause their used to recycled air) Ha ha.
Being passive is so intensely agonizing especially when you really care about someone who doesn't really appreciate the nice things you do for them.
I'm a nice person I'll just put that out there, too nice I should add. Why is this overlooked so much especially when the person is nice AND empathetic and any male who dates me should be thrilled but apparently not "Billy" my boyfriend is having issues grasping the fact that I bust my ass all the time to make him feel comfortable. (yes I probably do have 50's house wife syndrome) but I have to be careful of his feelings about this it's not completely his fault, I am in fact his first girlfriend and he's not used to the kind of attention I desire to give him. (he's 18 by the way) he's also one of those mildly anti-social geeky guys that NEVER get hints that you throw at them. I've currently used up all my emotional resources on trying to get him to understand that I need affection and to be appreciated but he simply doesn't understand what to do, when to do it and why he'd want to "cuddle" or "hold hands" to him its not something romantic to him its exchanging sweat which he's remarked hes not into. *SIGH* that drives me mad because all though he's technically my first boyfriend I've been in the dating scene for quite awhile so I know a lot of things he doesn't which in it's self is frustrating because I don't want to make comparisons because that's unfair. What I should be doing is showing I care and leading the way but I'm not a Alpha female, leading is a hard thing for me to do tragically we are both betas which doesn't work well in my opinion anyway PLUS he's a Virgo and I'm a Pisces so odds are already against us evolution wise and astrologically but I will not bow to "odds" and such because I like him a lot and I think that if someone really cares they can beat all odds but see this is the freakin' problem!!! I'm writing in a blog how I feel and saying how much I want him and I to work. What the hell is he doing does he care that I've cried myself to sleep more then once since we started dating. I think he does care I just think he doesn't know how to express it but FUCK the agony is so freaking strong I want to punch something. (I wouldn't) :P
Also heres another thing thats ripping my heart out. I feel like I can't appear "weak" around him like i'm very sensitive and if I see something innocent get hurt or just something really nice like a old man giving his seat up for a pregnant lady on a bus I will tear up I can't help this yet I feel I have to hide it which I think is terrible!!! I feel like I have to hide my best qualities because he'll think i'm weak and stupid. Remember this is what I FEEL not what is he's never said anything to me for to assume this but it hurts. He's a nice guy he's funny and very smart all things I like in a guy plus hes got some other qualities I like but the only one I really don't like is the whole world domination thing I realise its not uncommon with mildly anti-social people but dear god that is sooo not my thing. I love seeing people happy I could never hurt a living thing it breaks my heart when I watch the news and see riots and all the pain that people are going through and I just wish I could take it away.
Why do I like someone who is so obviously my opposite!!? We do however have a lot in common well actually If I were ever myself with him all we have in common is our love of learning. I wonder if thats enough. probebly not i'm afraid, but I will keep treking on because like I said I really care about him but god fucking dammit why do I have to lose apart of myself over a stupid male. Oh well its life I won't die. I might emotionally if things don't improve but untel then i'm going to keep trying. :(